The mornings are the absolute worst. It\u2019s like my entire body is cemented to the bed. The sleep I get, when I finally do collapse and catch a few hours, is light and unsatisfying\u2014I\u2019m never rested. They say that the Adderall messes with your sleep cycles; well let me tell you, an inability to fall asleep and stay asleep is a mixed blessing. Sure I can get more done at night once the kids are in bed, but I pay for it every morning. If I drink enough coffee and take a pill first thing in the morning, I\u2019m not really hungry for breakfast. I try hard to be a good role model for the kids, so I choke down a little something\u2014maybe some toast if we have bread in the house. Keeping everything stocked is hard when you\u2019re on the go all the time, and evenings are nuts with the sports games and practices for both Gavin and Tina\u2014I\u2019m always running from one thing to the next, so we grab dinner out most nights. That makes it hard to focus on what to keep in the house. I can\u2019t tell you how many times someone starts the day by yelling at me that we\u2019ve run out of cereal, milk, frozen waffles \u2026 it\u2019s always something. By the time the kids are on the bus, and the Adderall kicks in, I feel slightly less like death warmed over and I can get dressed and hit the road. My best hours are those first few hours at work\u2014and everyone knows it. I think there must be a sign on my forehead that says \u201ccrankiest after 1:00 pm, please make all requests in the morning.\u201d I can\u2019t help it; the good mood only seems to last that long no matter what I do. I feel like I can handle whatever comes my way, so I keep saying yes to whatever anyone asks of me \u2026 and then I crash. I read all the side-effect warnings and I know that I don\u2019t have any really dangerous mood swings, but the anxiety and restlessness are real problems. I snap at people, and pray for 5 o\u2019clock to roll around so I can get out of there. The drive home is the only time I get to be alone for the rest of the day, and I can\u2019t tell you how many times I end up just weeping from rage, exhaustion and frustration. I\u2019m so worked up all the time I don\u2019t even know what I\u2019m upset about\u2014I\u2019m just revved up and wiped out, 24\/7. I\u2019ll confess: drinking helps. A glass or two of wine with dinner really takes the edge off the restless, jittery feeling, but it is so tempting to overdo that, too. If I don\u2019t have to drive the kids anywhere, I can just sink into the couch and watch TV. I guess I drink too much on those nights, but they seem to happen so rarely that I\u2019m just not going to worry about it. Asking for Help When I finally told my mom about what I\u2019d been doing, she just said, \u201cOh, we all used to take that stuff. You could buy it in the drugstore; it was called Dexatrim. It was supposed to be for losing weight, but we all knew what it was: speed. And we\u2019d take it when we needed a little help.\u201d Great\u2014I finally work up the courage to speak the truth and what do I get? Denial. The truth is I was looking for some help because I\u2019m really scared to stop. I know I can\u2019t stay on this roller coaster forever, and the bad moods and anxiety that I just can\u2019t shake come on stronger and earlier every day. I wanted my mom to say, \u201cI\u2019ll help you, honey. I\u2019ll take the kids for a while if you need to go somewhere \u2026\u201d but she didn\u2019t. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll be strong enough to ask her more directly next time it comes up. If it comes up. If I were taking an illegal drug, she wouldn\u2019t have played it off like everyone\u2019s doing it, like it\u2019s all fine. She would have freaked out and insisted I get help. But because I look OK on the outside and I function at work and I get the kids to every place they need to go, everyone thinks I\u2019m fine. I\u2019m not fine. I\u2019m a mess and I\u2019m scared and I need help. I know I can\u2019t just stop taking this stuff; if the way I feel every morning is any indication, I\u2019ll be really screwed up for a while until I even out. But I also know that I can\u2019t keep going like this. My chest hurts pretty badly sometimes, and not sleeping unless I drink myself into oblivion is just not working. Something\u2019s going to break and I\u2019m afraid it will be me. I know the other moms think I\u2019m a "supermom." I\u2019m single, I have a good job and my kids are stars on the soccer field and in the classroom. But what they don\u2019t know is that I\u2019m one step away from falling apart. Adderall is the glue that is holding me together, but it\u2019s also the looming threat that haunts me day and night. I\u2019d give anything to be a little less successful, a little less \u201csuper\u201d and a lot less frantic.